Hold On Till May Ch 5

Chapter 5: How Could This Happen To Me?

“Andy!” I heard some girls’ voices calling me as I was heading towards the bus from the book store. I turned to see 5 young girls, phones out, ready for a picture, running towards me. I greeted them with smiles and tucked the book I had in my hand away in the bag with the others I just bought.
“Hello ladies. How can I help you?” I smiled. A few of them were too shocked to say anything, but one of them had this look in her eye that said she was gonna get what she wanted.
“We were wondering if we could all get pictures with you.” She said to me.
“Um… sure. Why not? Can we make it quick though? I’m kinda late for something.” The girls nodded and all pilled around while we got a stranger to take our picture.
“Andy, can I ask you a question?” The confident girl smiled at me.
“Sure shoot.”
“How tall is Dennis?” She beamed. Oh god, not another one. I don’t know which was more annoying, mine and Ash’s fan girls or Dennis’s. No, no, Ashlynn’s because one time a guy asked me and Ash if she were legal and we almost killed him. Or another time when someone asked what her bra size was and I knocked him out cold.
“Um, he’s two inches shorter than me, so… about 6’4.”
“Oh wow he’s tall. Does he have a girlfriend?” She beamed. Oh lord, one of those.
“Yes. Dennis has a girlfriend. They’ve been dating for 2 years and they’re happy together. Now if you don’t mind I’ve gotta go.” I walked away as fast as I could. I didn’t like when people asked me questions about my kids. It’s none of their business.
I climbed back onto the bus. It was quiet. Like uncomfortable quiet. I looked around; everyone was taking a nap except Ash who had been waiting for me to get back. He was sitting in the front room, eyes glued to the TV. I came over and sat on his lap.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” He asked. I shook my head yes and he wrapped his arms around my waist. I grabbed his hand with our new rings on them. We bought chains so we could still wear our original bands. “A penny for your thoughts.”
“It’ll cost a lot more than that for my thoughts.” I smiled.
“How about a kiss?”
“$5.” I giggled. He pinned me down to the couch and kissed me.
“I stole a kiss. Take me to jail.” It was small things like this that remind me how much I loved him. And reminded me how much he actually needs help.
“Baby, we seriously need to start reading these books.” His smile dropped and he rested his head on my chest.
“Can we not?” He sounded defeated and we haven’t even started.
“It’s for your mental health.” I started petting his head slowly and he let out a content sigh.
“Can we just not worry about it today? These last few days have been so perfect. No kids, not that many shows, fucking all night long. Can you just forget about my little episodes and move on?” He whined. The thing is they weren’t little episodes. The only reason we fuck all night is because he blacks out, he does things to me he doesn’t remember, then passes out on the bed next to me. Ash was sick, severely sick, and he needed my help.
“No. We’re gonna read these books and you’re gonna like it.” I pushed him off of me. Then I saw it in his eyes, the black out, fuck. He grabbed my wrists hard and pinned me down to the couch again, his nails digging into my arms. “Ash, snap out of it!” I yelled kicking. His eyes reminded me of death, a little soulless and empty. When he was like this he didn’t feel anything.  No love for me, no respect, just nothing.
“I don’t want to read the fucking books Andy.” I could feel a little blood trickling down my wrists. He lifted his hand to his face, covered in my blood, and wrapped it around my neck. Getting tighter, and tighter, until I felt like I was getting light headed.
“Baby, please… stop!” Was all I was able to choke out. He let go of me immediately and jumped off of me. He finally came back.
“Oh, my god! Andy, baby are you hurt, are you alright? I’m so sorry. Oh my god!” He was shaking violently when he saw his hands were covered in my blood. I sat up and tried to stop the bleeding on my wrists by wrapping a couple of my bandanas around them. I reached for him but he backed away from me.
“Ashley, baby look at me. I’m fine.” He didn’t look up. He was focused on my blood on his hands. He got up and ran to the bathroom mumbling to himself. I think he’s finally lost it. I heard his crying and screaming through the door as I walked over.
“It won’t wash off. It won’t wash off. It won’t wash off.” I looked over his shoulder, his hands were clean, but were tinted red because of the hot water. I pulled him away from the sink.
“Ashley look at me.” I shook him, he finally looked up at me, pure horror on his face.
“What have I done? Andy, what’s wrong with me?” He broke started sobbing in my shoulder. He was far beyond need for help. I gripped him tight.
“Baby I’m fine. Calm down.” He was still shaking and sobbing. We stood there for what felt like 30 minutes until he finally stopped shaking.
“Andy.” He gripped my shirt tight in his fists.
“Yes baby?”
“I’m tired.” I lead him to our room in the back and laid him down.
“Do you want me to stay?” I asked kissing his cheek.
“N-no.” He rolled over and covered his head, muttering something under his breath. I watched him for a bit and then walked out, closing the door behind me. He never asked me to leave before. My level of worry was starting to climb fast.

~

“Ashes wake up.” I tried to kiss him, but he pushed me away. It’s been like this for the last couple of days. He has some kind of freak out, I try to calm him down, but he pushes me away. His reasoning being he didn’t want to hurt me again. Slowly he sat up in our bed, not saying a word to me. “We’ve got a stop coming up. Want to go grab dinner, just you and me?” I asked. He shook his head no slowly, and I felt like my heart was breaking.
So this is what it felt like? A heavy weight on my heart as I watch the man I love fall apart. This was true heartbreak.
“C-can I have a hug?” I asked slowly. He shook his head no and lay back down. I could feel the tear slide down my face before I could will them away. Slowly, I walked out and climbed into my old bunk, my tears getting the better of me and falling. I’ve never seen Ash this broken, only because of a little accident that we could have fixed. I didn’t know what to do, who to turn to. For the first time in a long time I felt lost. Lost enough to…
No. No, I can’t. I’m too old to make that mistake again. What would everyone think? What about our kids? If Dennis sees me doing it, he’ll it try again. He’ll end up in the hospital again. That’s the last thing I want, and it’s the last thing anyone needs to relive.
I got up from the bunk and walked back into the back room. Ash was still lying down in bed, sobbing. I closed the door softly and sat on the bed.
“Ash, we need to talk.”