'Say you will stay with me through the good and the bad. This love for you I wish I never had; I've never…'
"Hey Andy, what are you writing?" Jinxx's voice chimes in out of nowhere, breaking my concentration.
"Nothing." I slammed the notebook shut and threw it to the other end of the small couch at the front of our tour bus.
"Doesn't seem like nothing to me. Is it song lyrics?" He asked looking down at me.
"I guess you could say that." I trailed off. Jinxx walked away, I assume it's because he got bored. He's such an energetic person; the only other person who can match his energy is Sammi, his girlfriend (or in some cases CC, our drummer). I ran a hand through my hair and let out a deep sigh. This tour bus was starting to get really boring.
Jake and CC were sitting on the other couch across from me looking through some equipment catalog, marking some stuff that they wanted to buy when we were off this tour. Jinxx was flipping through the channels on the TV and stopped when he got to some cartoon about a talking puppy that was a spy or some shit. The only person that I wanted to be in the room right now wasn't. Ashley was off in the back on his phone talking to Jesse, his girlfriend. Yeah, Ash had a girlfriend. Her name is Jessie, a girl that works at a Hot Topic in our home town. She was nice to everyone in the band but me.
Speak of the devil, Ash walks into the room with a very upset look on his face. He came and sat next to me and laid his head on my lap.
"What's up with you?" Jake asked when Ash let out a loud huff.
"Jess and I broke up." He said rolling over to look at Jake. "Just because I didn't tell her that we were going on tour again. She thinks I'm gonna cheat on her."
I started to run my fingers through Ashley's raven black hair; it was soft under my fingertips. I don't really know how to explain how I feel about him. It's kind of complicated. Ashley is my best friend; I love everyone in our band, but none more than Ashley. Like I said, I don't know how to explain what I feel for him. Whenever he comes near me my heart starts to race, my palms get sweaty and I have this tendency to stutter a lot.
"It's not the end of the world dude." CC said putting the catalog on the arm of the couch.
"I know it's not the end of the world." He sighed again and rolled over to face me, but his eyes were closed. "I kinda liked Jess. I mean she was pretty and a really nice girl."
"Yeah, to you." I said softly. Ash's eyes snapped open.
"What?" He asked me in disbelief.
"Nothing." I said rolling my eyes. He looked up at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I just looked out the window and watched the passing scenes as we drove through Los Angeles. The others continued their conversation, Ashley still lying in my lap, but I just ignored it, idly stroking his hair. I don't understand this feeling I have for you Ash, but maybe it could be love. No. No, that's crazy. There's no way I could possibly have fallen in love with Ash. I mean, we're both guys. Two guys falling in love with each other is just… Wrong.
I pushed Ash off my lap and walked over to our small bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I hadn't gotten any sleep lately due to the fact that I'm still getting over a cold so I had these weird dark circles under my eyes (I should probably take a nap). The skin around my lip ring was bright red from biting it all the time (something I do when I'm nervous or anxious). My face had gotten skinnier along with the rest of my pale body. I don't eat much, adding on being sick and eating less, I probably lost about 10 lbs.
I left the bathroom and walked into the bunk area. Everyone was making a lot of noise in the front room so I grabbed my iPod from my bag before I climbed into my bunk and pulled my curtain shut. I put in my headphones and started to scroll through my music, trying to find something that I could sleep through. I decided to listen to D.R.U.G.S, the band of my older friend Matt Good.
Slowly I started to feel a heaviness overcome me.
"Andy." I hear a voice calling to me. I open my eyes. Somehow I'm back in my apartment, lying in my bed. It was dark, but I could still hear this voice calling my name over and over again. "Andy. Andy. Andy." And it was getting progressively louder. The door in front of me slowly started to open. A figure walked through the doorway and stopped at the foot of the bed. I reached over to turn on the lamp on the night stand to see Ashley standing over me without any cloths on.
"Andy." He let out in a dark voice with a smirk on his face. I swallowed deeply and sat up all the way.
"Um… Ash, are you OK? Why are you in my room naked?" I asked letting my eyes wander down his body. Tan, muscular, but not very, his 'OUTLAW' tattoo arching perfectly on his stomach. I glanced down at his; uh… area for just a second, but immediately lifted my eyes back to his face. He wasn't wearing any makeup and he had just washed his hair. I swallowed again because I really wanted him at that moment.
"Andy." He said again. What's with the broken record bit? It was getting annoying. He climbed into the bed and crawled on top of me. "Andy, I want you; right now." He said. Oh look, something other than my name now huh? I looked into his eyes, such a beautiful shade of dark brown. I don't know why I did what I did next, but I connected our lips. It was weird, because I couldn't feel anything, but I didn't want what was happening to stop. Ashley parted his mouth, but I still couldn't feel anything, I couldn't taste anything. I wanted so bad to feel him moving under me, to taste him, but I couldn't. I started to cry.
"What's wrong Andy? Is it me? Do you not want me?" He asked wiping away one of my tears.
"No, that's not the problem. I really do want you, but I… I can't feel anything. I want to feel you, to taste you, to touch you, but I can't. Why can't I?" I asked crying more. Ash crawled under the cover with me and held me as I cried into his bare chest. I still couldn't feel anything. But after a while, I started to feel the warmth of his arms wrapped around me.
"Are you feeling better Andy?" he asked me. I nodded my head. He placed a kiss on my forehead and I could actually feel it. It was warm, a little wet, but warm. My tears stopped falling as violently as they were and I fell asleep cuddled into him.
Sadly, I knew it was a dream. The bus hit a bump in the road and I hit the wall of my bunk. I woke up, pillow soaked with tears. I was actually crying. Deep down I knew it was all a dream. Ash wouldn't say things like that to me. I started coughing again, it wasn't all that loud, but someone started to open the curtain to my bunk.
"Andy, are you OK?" Ash's voice called to me as the curtain pulled open all the way.
"Yeah I'm fine, just still knocking out this cold." I said looking down and away from him.
"Good. You were crying in your sleep earlier. I tried to wake you up, but you wouldn't move. Either way, I'm glad you're OK." He said kissing my forehead. It was real. I know it was real. I smiled and looked away again.
"What's all this?" He asked with a chuckle.
"Just a thought, but I'm glad that you care about me." I hugged him and pulled him into my bunk.
"Hey, let me go!" He laughed.
"I don't think so." I laughed giving him a noogie. We played around like that for a good ten minutes; we stopped after Ash started tickling me and forcing me to say uncle. It was fun when we played around like this. It reminded me of our friendship that wouldn't end. It would last forever.














